Writing Sample

Liam turned, wide-eyed, to the forest now pulsing with light. “Are they all fairies?”

“Oh, no,” echoed a velvety, purring voice from the treetops. Only the tassty onesss.”

 Without warning, every firefly and fairy light blinked out, as if snuffed by unseen hands. The trio looked up. At first, Liam saw only blackness. Then two golden orbs appeared in the darkness, blinking, one… And then the other. An outline bled slowly from the shadows. Blue-black feathers catching the faint firelight. Their iridescence reminded Liam of oil on water.

The creature fluttered down to a lower branch and twisted its head unnaturally to regard them. Liam blinked. At first glance, it was an owl: feathers, wings, a broad head, and round, glassy eyes. But closer inspection revealed the wrongness: feather tufted ears, a cat’s nose and bobbed tail, and a wide predator’s mouth lined with teeth.

“Grishere,” Gallgrump spoke the name as if he’d swallowed a rotten worm.

“Hello, Gallgrump.” The owlcat slunk along the branch, pacing on four feathery paws tipped with enormous talons. His voice hissed through the dark. “What pray, are you doing in this part of the woodsss… So close to Grimvault?” He stopped and tilted his head, blinking one eye, then the other. “And most importantly, where is your ssstaff? It seemsss to be misssing.” Grishire’s mouth spread wide, a grin too full of teeth to be anything but sinister.

Hrmph. “Never you mind.” Grumbled Gallgrump.

Developmental Review

What’s Working Well

This scene immediately draws the reader in with vivid sensory detail and a strong sense of atmosphere, using light, shadow, and sound to build tension in a way that feels perfectly suited to middle grade fantasy. The creature reveal is especially effective: the gradual emergence from darkness, paired with specific visual cues such as iridescent feathers and mismatched features, creates a memorable, delightfully eerie moment. Dialogue adds personality and contrast, with Grishere’s sibilant voice and Gallgrump’s gruff responses hinting at history between the characters. Overall, the excerpt balances wonder and danger well, offering young readers a compelling mix of mystery, magic, and suspense.

Areas to Address

Some moments in the scene would benefit from a bit more grounding to help young readers track the action and the characters’ emotional responses as the tension rises. Clarifying where each character is positioned and how Liam, in particular, feels as the creature emerges would deepen the sense of immediacy and strengthen the reader’s connection to him. You might also consider tightening some dialogue beats to sharpen the rhythm and ensure each line reveals character or advances the scene. These refinements would enhance clarity and heighten the suspense already present in the excerpt.